I actually didn’t know I was depressed. For years I had never really felt things, but I didn’t think much of it. It wasn’t until I went away one weekend with my wife and my cousin (who is like a brother to me), that I realized even though we were doing all of these fun, incredible things, I didn’t feel any of it.
After the trip I started digging into my thoughts and the past, and realized it had been three years since I’d truly felt anything. And it had been even longer than that since I remembered consistently feeling things. I decided to reach out to a friend who is a psychology professor to get her take on the situation. She said it sounded like anhedonia—the most common trait for clinical depression.
I had done therapy, but I wasn’t on any anti-depressants or medication. So my wife and I started researching, and she’s the one who first brought up Field Trip Health. I reached out to them, and over the next three months they worked with me, set me up with some tools, and officially diagnosed my depression and PTSD.
By the time I went in for my first ketamine-assisted therapy session, I fully expected to take a trip back to my youth. I’d had a traumatic childhood—looking back smiling was hard for me even then—but at 43 years old it turned out I actually didn’t need to go that far back. Instead, my sessions took me to this cave, where I dealt with my “protectors” and battled my ego while trying to emerge.
As the therapy continued, they slowly increased the ketamine doses and I grew more comfortable with the process each time we sat down. I would sketch my experiences after each hour, creating a cohesive storyboard of the entire experience. Overall I did the core treatment plus six sessions, but almost immediately I was able to feel again in a cognitive way. After two sessions I realized, “Wow. I’m actually enjoying stuff again.”
My therapy sent me into a state where I could experience everything in real-time. Since then I’ve been able to tap into my dreams (something I’ve always experienced in a very visceral way), unlike ever before. I’ve even recently recalled a dream from 12 years ago and figured out how to write a story that may eventually be for consumption.
Now, I honestly feel like a different person. I also have ADHD, so following through on things can sometimes be difficult. But now, I’m much more mindful of just getting things done. I feel more creative and I have motivation. That’s something about depression I didn’t realize, is that it also causes a lack of motivation. It’s a big thing to realize; not only do I want to do things again and actually have ambition to do them, but that feeling has lasted a long time now.
My wife has also noticed a big improvement, and says I’m much less defensive. I’m almost like a different person, one with no anxiety or depression. Someone who believes there is more to life. I’ve learned that regardless of where I am, I know that I’m loved. I’m in a good marriage. I can feel things and I’m not alone.
Looking at the past, I feel as though I was misguided in my former belief that medicine doesn’t help. Today, I genuinely feel that some of these “forbidden substances” can make a world of difference under the right circumstances, and going forward I want to be an advocate for all of the positive things psychedelics can do. After all, this experience has completely changed my life.
The testimonials are the individual experiences of those who have attended Field Trip and taken part in our treatment, however they are individual results and results will vary. The testimonials are not necessarily representative of all of those who have used our treatment.
Field Trip may have edited the testimonials to account for correction of grammar or typing errors where necessary. In other cases, the testimonials may have been shortened for brevity. Field Trip has not edited the testimonial in a way that would create a misleading impression of the individual's views.
Ketamine is also not for everyone and may result in serious side effects. Certain medical conditions and other factors may reduce the effectiveness of ketamine as a treatment or disqualify you from receiving ketamine. Please consult a physician or other medical professional before commencing treatment.
For more information about what Field Trip offers including an overview, risks of treatment, and cost, please review Our Therapy.
Are you disappointed with the results from other therapies or medications? Is something blocking progress, but you’re not sure what? Find out if psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy is right for you.